01.15.09 (Thursday)

Had my OB appt tonight... I can't really talk about this - like physically CAN'T - but it's much easier to write it all out and see it on the page.

I'm back... it took me a few hours to get myself together, but here I am. We lost Baby B. After seeing AND hearing the heartbeat and movement, no less. :(

We really thought we were OK, but I guess God has other plans. I had no bleeding, no cramping....nothing. According to the measurements, Baby B died just days after my last ultrasound.... right around Christmas. He just stopped growing.

I'm a little numb, and it hurts, but I'm not sure how. It aches, really. Of course, I blame myself and I just feel SO GUILTY. I know it's ridiculous, just let me deal with that for a while.

A woman at the OB's office actually SAID to me, "At least you still get 1."
SERIOUSLY?!

Bittersweet...
Baby A is thriving. I really think she's a girl. Just instinct, I guess. (I thought B was a boy.) HB is 162 beats per minute, and she was wiggling all over. (it really looked just like my wiggle peepee dance. LoL) Her brain is developed - 2 perfect little hemispheres...and she's measuring a few days bigger, too. YAY for fatties :). She's perfect.

We're so lucky to have her. This whole thing is really a miracle. Some of you know that I was told that I would never conceive without IVF or IUI...we were lucky to conceive at all. We're so lucky to have her. But it still hurts when I'm flipping through my sonos and have 4 with 2 babies, and now 1.

I really really love my Dr - she didn't even have to say anything, she just hugged me. I'm so glad it was her... I was shaking, and I just felt like falling off that table and laying on the floor til it all went away. I know it sounds a little dramatic and you know I hate the prissy girl crap, but I can't even begin to tell you what it feels like. Thank God for Rich, and how well he knows me. He didn't push me to talk about it, he didn't push me for ANYTHING, really...he just wrapped his perfect hugging arms around me and kept them there until I moved. I know he has to be hurting too, but the way he was there for me, you'd never know. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Thanks everyone, for being here, and for understanding that I can't really talk about it.

We love our little hippo.

I'll scan and post some pics tomorrow/later/sometime. Here's a cell pic to hold you over :-)